Something I always find difficult to convey to others is my love of existence. I’m not talking about existence existence, like us-being-here-on-this-planet existence (though that’s mighty cool and amazing, too, don’t get me wrong!), but rather that certain things do exist. Quite often this is in regards to things that most would find… well, unsavory. Deplorable. Depraved. Obscene. You get the idea.
You see, I like my internet unfiltered — my Google SafeSearch off, exposing the deep dark seedy underbelly. There is much that I have seen that cannot be unseen; much that is truly awful, disgusting, or sick; and even more that is raunchy, ribald, or risqué to an extreme. I take a small risk in even admitting all this.
Because I often find myself commenting on my love of X or that Y is awesome and then having to either back-pedal and try to explain or preface every exclamation of adoration with a disclaimer. It’s a fine distinction, you see, that is usually not assumed first by others, or so it seems to me.
Let’s take an example: furry porn. There’s a lot that can be said about each part of that phrase, furries in general and porn as a category. And together, they make the bottom of both barrels, the very worst overlap of their respective Venn diagram intersection.
And you see, already I’m going to have to stop you and explain some things lest you leap to conclusions! I’m not in any sense a furry fan, or even a curious admirer, or much less a closet lover. That said, I am in general a pretty tolerant guy (my libertarian heart, as usual) and so I don’t fault anyone who is any of the above, but it just isn’t me. I’m trying not to sound defensive here.
Yet, I’ve seen my fair share of furry. Quite a bit. Sometimes it is unavoidable if you frequent certain parts of the internet. But I also don’t cower in fear when it draws near, shying away by clicking the red X close button as fast as possible, like some vampire during the morning hours. No, I let it wash over me like most else on the net. And why do I do this when I supposedly (and conveniently) claim not to be any sort of furry?
Because I love that it exists.
I love what its existence implies. Somebody took time to draw, scan, color, touch-up in Photoshop, crop, edit, typeset, write dialogue, upload it to a site, create a personal site to host it and other works — do you see where this is going? So much is said about its very existence alone, much less the work itself. In fact, most of the time when I say stuff like that is awesome I’m talking more about these implications rather than whatever content it has itself. Sometimes beauty comes from that which surrounds a human creation.
Because the art might be shit, the writing clichéd, the dialogue phony and stilted, the scenes ridiculous, and the sex silly. True furry fans might consider it trash or low-grade, not a good example of the genre, or whatever. But you see, I don’t really care so much about that. I’m much more interested in the fact that it even exists.
I’ve had this discussion before when I made the mistake of claiming to want to see a baby fisting video. Yes, I know, it’s terrible. It would be an inhumane thing, violent and despicable, and all of that is very true and I agree 100%. I would never commit the act myself, nor do I condone it or encourage it of others, even for my viewing pleasure. And the pleasure, I assure you, would come, as I said, from the existence and its implications.
Because, again, I’m not interested so much in the heinous act. What intrigues me is imagining the scene as it must have unfolded. Some guy (or gal?) felt that it would be a good idea to perform such a thing to a baby (even worse, their own), and didn’t just think about it but actually went through with it, BUT… But before doing it, thought to himself, “Hold on! …let me get the camera…” And made sure it had a good charge, that the light was on, that the video was encoded, uploaded, and shared in some what. And that it now exists for some to see, a record of his deed, vile as it is.
I’ve kinda touched on an aspect of this interest before. So often things that should not be liked for what they are (and I agree!) I like for what they imply, the “fascinating interconnections” as I put it, that make up its existence, how it came to be, and how I came upon it myself. It really does boggle the mind when you start to really think about it. And that is what delights me so very much. I love being floored by the impossible circumstances of finding crazy weird shit.
And yet, you see how long it took to explain all that. I can’t always do that, so I sometimes have to reserve my delight when around those that may not understand me yet, else I run the risk of implicating too much. I’ve joked in the past with friends about questions that raise eyebrows (“How do you get rid of a dead body?”, “Can you get AIDS from just touching?”), and this is basically the statement version.
Sheesh. So much butt-covering in order to justify deviant interests.